So as you learned from my last post, I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It sucks in a major way. Some days I want to just check myself into an institution...I just feel so out of control. Now it seems as though I am not alone. I came across an article today with the headline...Click on the big words below to find out more.

Mood disorders common in PCOS patients

Nearly a year ago I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). There is no cure, just lots of meds to help you "maintain and tolerate" your conditions. The worst symptoms I have include weight gain, infertility, and depression.

April 4, 2008 my world totally changed. After numerous violations of my body via needles and probes I had an answer for my inexplicable weight gain, irregular, ridiculously long (70+days) or non-existent cycle, and overall feeling of "something's just not right". I had previously been told that I had a fibroid, about the size of a grapefruit that should be removed. I went to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) because my GYN wasn't comfortable performing the surgery. She said something to the effects of, "because this is in your uterus where a baby would grow, I'd rather someone with more experience perform the surgery. i don't want to cause further damage or infertility". I certainly appreciated her honesty and asked for a referral.

I kid you not, within the first 2 seconds of me sitting down to talk with the RE, he asked me, "Have you always been this heavy?" There was no, "Hi, I'm Dr. Such-ington, what brings you in today" or "Are you in any pain?" While most would have been offended, I was elated! Someone may finally know what the hell is going on. We spoke for about 30 minutes, he explained that he thought I may have PCOS but some tests were necessary to confirm. So yeah, I got the news and I was okay with it initially. That is, until I truly understood what this meant for me. "According to your progesterone levels, we don't believe that you're ovulating...and without ovulation, there can be no pregnancy"...I could feel the sting of tears building. "Come to the office, we can discuss your options...IUI or IVF" Doesn't this chic know that I don't have $12K to spend on "the procedure may not work the first time"? This is AWESOME!!! I'm fat AND infertile.

At around 24, my weight seemed to ballon overnight. I had always been relatively healthy. Outside of severe allergies, nothing major. I wasn't thin, but certainly not overweight. I was an attractive, confident 5'7", 135-140, size 8. Today, I am an attractive, sometimes confident 5'7", 240-245, size 16/18. Most days I barely recognize me. I still have my favorite pair of jeans from my thin days. I want so badly to be able to slip them on again. If I won the lottery, after giving a substanstial amount  to The Courageous Church and the fight to end Human Trafficking, I know my next donation would be to a plastic surgeons office. Call me shallow, ridiculous, insane...I don't really care. All I know is that I haven't felt like me in years. And if I can't be a mommy, I may as well be thin.

PCOS is a daily struggle for me. I have numerous relatives, friends, etc that have children. Seems like everytime I turn around someone is preggo. My own thoughts plague me, rob me of sleep regularly....Why not me? I would make such a great mom. What have I done wrong that led to this? Why doesn't anyone seem to care? Am I making too big of a deal out of this? No, I don't want to come to your baby shower! Stop asking me when I'm going to have a baby. Extreme sadness overwhelms me sometimes, to the point where I can't do anything. My relationship with God is grown tremendously which is the awesomeness of this whole situation. I mean, I was a believer before, but my faith has grown exponientially.

I am launching a movement in the Atlanta area called AtlantaCysters. I want to meet with other women and those who love them to not only share our experiences and heartache, but to have fun and enjoy the life we've been given. More details to follow.

God is awesome! I am amazed daily by His works. I have no idea where I'd be without His grace and mercy. So often over the years I have gone down paths that just would not work out, no matter how badly I wanted them to. Failed friendships, relationships, heartaches and pains that I just could not understand. I was doing everything right but in spite of my best efforts...FAIL!

I came across the blog Alone in Atlanta

SoAmazin had this to say about the subject:

"God saves us. Simple, right? Well, not always. Sometimes, when you're going down a road you shouldn't be on (or when you're traveling with someone you shouldn't be with), God throws a boulder right in your path that forces you to turn around. Sometimes, He (intentionally) accidentally hits you with the boulder and you have no choice but to wake up from your unconsciousness with a completely different perspective than you had before. Getting hit with a boulder hurts...but sometimes it's the only way to get your attention, and to make you see just how far you have fallen from the path that was intended for you. This story illustrates this concept (it's also kind of funny if you think about it). "I have come here to oppose you because your path is a reckless one before me." In 2009, I plan not to get bitten by any (more) asses (God is so clever)."

As 2008 came to a close I made a promise to myself that things were going to change for the better. I was disgusted with how out of control my life had become. 2009 is an important year for me. There is much that I hope to acheive and have no time to waste.

Yesterday was the lauch of a new church in midtown Atlanta. Upon learning about this new church I was immediately intrigued. Something in my heart of hearts felt compelled, drawn to everything that the Courageous Church is all about. The Lead Pastor, Shaun King, is young, dynamic, and personable.

I felt at home even though services aren't held in a "traditional" setting. The Courageous Church does its thing every Sunday morning at 10am at Center Stage in Atlanta. The diversity of the congregation, the music, and the overall atmosphere provided for a morning well spent. After church, my hubby and friends couldn't stop talking about how awesome the entire experience was. We can't wait til next week.

This evening has been especially difficult for me. Anyone who knows me personally is well aware of my insane attachment to my two furbabies...Yaya and Kijiji.

Kijiji, more affectionately known as Jiji or Jij was a 3lbs Shorkie(shih-tzu/yorkie mix) that had a very calm and quiet demeanor. Not really a typical small dog as I never even heard her bark. She made a crying noise that sounded like "meer"...kinda hard to explain. She was the epitome of a "lap dog" and never wanted more than to be held.

She passed away this afternoon, very unexpectedly. The hubby and I are not taking it too well. She will be dearly missed and forever in our hearts.

Okay, so our next President is spending the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. I had no idea that Mr. President Elect had all this going on under those tailor-made suits.

Congrats to you Michelle!

Source: bauer griffin

I think I just realized that in spite of my greatest efforts, I am indeed aging. I remember when Nick at Nite meant Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, and Leave it to Beaver. Shows that meant something to my parents, but for me it was just something to watch when nothing else was on. Now, here I sit in an unexplicatory bout of insomnia, watching the Fresh Prince. It's very strange. I wonder how many preteens watch the Fresh Prince wondering, "what the hell?" Will Smith in his pre-$20 million dollar movie days dressed in brighty colored, mismatched ensembles would indeed be a shock to the untrained eye.